If there is any possibility you feel you might be offended, then please do not go any further as I have no patience for justifying myself. Otherwise, keep reading and soak it up, bitches.
A really long time ago, there were a lot of Jews living in Egypt. The women were super fertile and the men, apparently, had some kick-ass sperm. Because of this, the Jews were multiplying like crazy. Well, the Egyptians were not entirely thrilled about this, so Pharaoh declared that "all Jewish girl babies born can live, but all the boys have to be thrown into the Nile." This whole thing really didn't go over too well with the Jewish peeps. This one lady in particular birthed a son and was like, "Wow, my kid is freaking beautiful!" So, instead of throwing him into the river to die, she put him in a basket and sent him down the Nile.
Then, coincidentally, Pharaoh's daughter was taking a stroll down the Nile (you know because she wanted to look at all the alligators and shit, I mean, who wouldn't, right?) and she just happened to come along this basket with a kid in it. Well, like anyone, she was all, "Hey, there's a kid in that basket! I'm going to see what's up. Maybe I'll even take it home to my pops and see if I can keep it." Turns out, she did keep him and named him Moses.
So, Moses grew up Chez Pharaoh, but he had no idea that he was in fact Jewish. One day, he was mucking about and he saw all of these people performing wicked hard manual labor and Moses was all like, "Yo, what's up with that?" He even saw this Egyptian dude whipping one of the Jewish slaves and Moses did not like this one bit, so he struck the dude. Well, Pharaoh found out about it, and let me tell you, he was not pleased. Moses decided that it might be in his best interest to leave, so he ran away and landed in this place called Midian, a Jewish village.
In Midian, Moses met all of these people he made friends with, and even married one of the (seven) daughters of the priest, Jethro. Her name was Zipporah and she and Moses banged and gave birth to a boy named Gershom. While he was in Midian, the current Pharaoh died and all of the Jewish slaves said, "Hey, there. We really don't like what's happening to us. Dear G-d, Help?" G-d just happened to get his mail that day, and he wrote back, "Hey guys, I feel ya. I'll help you out."
Apparently the Jewish people couldn't read G-d's hand-writing (it was really messy,) so he decided that it might be best to find someone who could understand him and just speak through that fellow. One day Moses was walking along with some of his sheep and, all of a sudden, there was this big bush burning in front of him! Moses was like, "Woah, I didn't think spontaneous combustion was real!" Then, he was really thrown for a loop because the burning bush was really G-d! Needless to say, Moses felt a little light-headed.
G-d said, "Yoooo, Moses! What's going on, dude? Look, I have this thing I want you to do for me and it's a little complicated and it might be a little taxing, but I'm pretty sure you could handle it." Moses thought about this for a second and then was all, "What-up G-d?"
G-d said, "So, you know by now you're Jewish, right? Well your peeps back in Pharaoh's area are being seriously mistreated. What I need for you to do is help me to free them. Look, I know it seems like a lot, but no worries. I promise, I'll help you out. I mean, I have a lot of powers and shit, so it's cool." Moses was a little apprehensive at first, but how many people can say that they talked to G-d? Not too many. So, Moses agreed. G-d gave him a staff so that if the people didn't believe Moses, G-d could do all of these crazy things with them and everyone would be like "WOAH!"
Moses went back to Pharaoh's land, and held a huge community meeting with all of the Jewish people. He told them, "Hey, guys. So, I talked to G-d and he said he'd help y'all out. It'll take a little time, but bear with me and by golly, we'll be out of this place in no time." The Jewish people were a little skeptical but finally thought, "Alright, man. Let's see what you got."
Moses went up to Pharaoh's place and was like, "Yo, I gotsa bone to pick with you." Pharaoh was curious, and, since he and Moses grew up together, wanted to see what he had to say. Pharaoh said to Moses (in my Dad's words,) "'Sup, Holmes?"
Moses said, "Let my people go, man." Pharaoh was taken a little off guard and was all, "No freaking way, Man! Who's going to make my tomb, if not my slaves?" Moses said, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. All I know is, let my freaking people go."
Well, Pharaoh didn't, and Moses left feeling really un-fulfilled. He told G-d what happened and G-d said, "Yo, Moses. Check it." G-d decided that in order to get his point across and prove that he's for real, for real, he'd have to harden Pharaoh's heart.
The next day, Moses went to Pharaoh and was like, "I have G-d on my side. Look what I can do." He took that super-special staff that G-d gave him and it turned into this crazy looking snake. Pharaoh was not impressed. He brought his mystical dudes in and was like, "You can do that too, right?" His magicians said, "Yo, check it, Pharaoh!" and they turned some sticks into snakes too. But Moses' serpent-staff went over and ate those stick-snakes. Pharaoh still wasn't impressed, so Moses said "If you don't let my people go, shit is going to hit the fan." Pharaoh was like, "BRING IT ON, BITCH!"
The next morning Moses woke up, and was super groggy. But, G-d said, "HEY, Moses, you have some shit to take care of today. Go down to the water and hold that staff out and I'm going to make some craaaaaazy shit happen."
Moses went down to the water and touched the tip of his staff into the Nile. All of the sudden, the water turned blood red. The air reeked of iron. At the palace, Pharaoh called for a drink and when it was brought to him he said, "I didn't ask for wine, but whatever." When he took a sip of it, he felt like he was going to throw up and he spit the blood into his servant's face.
"What the heck," asked Pharaoh. "Ugh, bring fecking Moses up here. This is ridiculous." Moses was brought to Pharaoh's place and said, "I told you so. Let my peeps go?"
"Nah," said Pharaoh. So, Moses left.
The next morning, G-d told Moses to go down to the Nile and stick his staff into the water again. Moses did what he said and then the water started bubbling and all of these freaking frogs started jumping out of the water! "Holy Hannah," Moses said. So, Pharaoh was all weirded out because these frogs were running rampant and he called to Moses.
"YO MOSES! WHAT THE FECK, MAN??!" said Pharaoh.
"Feck do you expect? I told you shit'd hit the fan," said Moses.
"Whatevs, my mystical men can do that too," said Pharaoh. He called them in and, like he said, the dudes made frogs that were running all over the place and, subsequently, made them disappear.
Pharaoh said, "WHATCHOO GOT, MOSES?!"
"Fine," Moses said. "But things are only going to get worse from here!"
"Just get the feck out," said Pharaoh.
So, Moses left. The next day Moses woke up and G-d told him to take his staff and stab it into the earth. Moses did, and all of the dust rose and turned into lice. Moses said, "EEWWW, G-d!" Everything in Egypt was COVERED in lice. Pharaoh, scratching the shit out of his head, summoned Moses. As before, Pharaoh didn't believe Moses and wouldn't free the slaves.
The next morning, Moses woke up super early and G-d said, "Go to Pharaoh and tell him that you mean business and that if he doesn't free my peoples, insects are going to attack the shit out of the land. Don't worry, though. I won't let this affect my Jewish homies."
Moses did as G-d said but, as before, Pharaoh wouldn't let up. "FECKING FINE," Moses said, and soon after millions of billions of bugs appeared and were flying everywhere and were getting into people's foodies and were crunching underneath their feet.
The next morning, Moses went to Pharaoh. "You again?" said Pharaoh, "What now?"
"Dude, just let my people go," Moses said.
"Nah," said Pharaoh. Moses left and, through the power of his staff, G-d made all of the Egyptian's livestock die. This was not cool, because everyone was really hungry. How could they eat if they have no food?
Once again, Moses went to Pharaoh's place and asked if he and his people can leave. As usual, Pharaoh declined. Moses went back into the slave's area and took a handful of ash. He threw it into the air (some of it got in his mouth) and when it settled, all of the Egyptians were covered in these really, REALLY nasty boils. I mean these things were fecking gross, like something out of a dermatologist's textbook. They were popping and oozing... It wasn't a pleasant sight.
Moses went to Pharaoh and, while holding back some serious vomit, asked Pharaoh to relent. Pharaoh, while his boils were popping and oozing into his mouth, said, "NO!"
"OY!" said Moses. He went home and G-d told him to hold his hands up in the air. Massive pieces of hail began falling out of the sky, one of which went whizzing passed Moses' face. "Holy shit" said Moses. "Oops. Sorry G-d," he said.
Pharaoh decided that maybe it was time to let Moses and his peeps leave. He sent for Moses and said, "Moses, make this shit stop and I'll let you go."
Moses went outside and all of the hail stopped. But, when he went back in, Pharaoh changed his mind. Moses was really frustrated.
"Moses, we're almost done. Just a few more," G-d promised.
Then, out of nowhere, this huge black cloud started moving closer and closer to Moses. Huge locusts started falling out of the sky and attacking all of the crops. Now there really wasn't anything to eat, and the Egyptians were starving! As usual, Pharaoh wouldn't let the Jews leave.
The next morning, Moses woke up and, in the light of day, G-d told Moses to lift his hands up to the air. Everything went black as night. You couldn't see a single thing. Moses, stumbling on his way, went to Pharaoh and yada, yada, yada. Big surprise, Pharaoh declined.
Moses, once again, left Pharaoh's palace. He went home, and that night G-d came to him again.
"Look, Moses. This is the last plague and it's going to be a doozy. Know how you were found in a basket in the Nile? Well, that's because the previous Pharaoh wanted all of the boys who were born to be killed. This last plague's going to be a little bit like that," G-d said.
"Oh, G-d. I don't like the sound of this," Moses said.
"Yeah, well. It sounds as bad as it is. It won't affect my people as long as you tell them to sacrifice a lamb and wipe its' blood across their door. This will prevent anything from happening to them. But the blood NEEDS to be there, otherwise... well... yeah," G-d said.
Moses went to the Jewish people and relayed G-d's message. He then went up to Pharaoh and asked him to let his people go. "This time," Moses said, "you should really just let us leave. I really don't want to let this one loose and you and, trust me, it's a stinker."
Needless to say, Pharaoh did not agree. He just didn't believe Moses and, apart from that, G-d had hardened Pharaoh's heart to the point that not even Arthur's sword could make a dent.
Moses left the palace feeling really down. Even though he had complete faith in G-d, he just wanted everything to be over already. He didn't want anyone to go through what his Mama went through, losing a son and all. However, he knew that nothing would be right until the plagues were fully finished and G-d's word had been completely carried out.
That night, a darkness fell upon all of Egypt (and not just night, but a deep down feeling of darkness that's border-line depression.) All of the Jewish people were huddled in their respective homes, cradling their children and hoping that everything will work out. None of them got any sleep that night.
The next morning, everyone was awoken by screams of sadness. As G-d had told Moses, all of the first born boys of Egypt had been killed. Moses' head hung low. For the last time, Moses made the trek up to Pharaoh's palace. And, for the last time, Moses said, "Let my people go." Pharaoh, who's son had died in the night, didn't even say anything. He barely nodded. Nonetheless, he agreed.
Moses rushed back to his people and said, "YO DUDES, LET'S GO! He might change his mind, so screw the bread. I know it's un-leavened but I'm sure it'll taste fine. We can call it Matzoh and it'll be our 'thing.'"
Moses led his people out of Egypt, just as G-d told him too. A little while later, Pharaoh came out of his stupor and was really angry about all that had happened. He gathered his troops and they made their way after Moses and the Jews!
Well, Moses' people were going as fast as they could. But, there were a lot of old-folks and children and they didn't really have horses, just a bunch of donkeys and wagons. Pharaoh's troops were coming closer and closer to the people. The Egyptians moved fast because they were all strapping young dudes and were all riding horses.
The Jews were totally freaked out, and all of a sudden they came to this super huge body of water known as the Red Sea. Well, at this point everyone just about gave up. G-d told Moses that everything would be all cool and that he should go to the edge of the water and hold his hands out to his sides. Moses did just that and, miraculously, the water began to part.
Everyone's jaws dropped. At this point, they could see Pharaoh and the Egyptians in the distance. "HURRY THE FECK UP," yelled Moses.
Those who could, lifted old people or children or the disabled on their shoulders and booked it across the now parted water. The Egyptians started moving into the cleared area and the massive walls of blood-red water came crashing down on them.
On the other side of the sea, everyone was super tired. They were so excited, though, that they didn't even care! Finally, they were saved from slavery and could live their lives in freedom.
Sort of the end.
